Paris Hilton For President: Energy Policy For People (magazine)

Paris Hilton has recently released a video rebuttal to a rather ill-advised John McCain ad which compares Barack Obama with “celebrities” such as Hilton and Britney Spears, suggesting a lack of substance despite their charisma. The original ad seems desperate and is as insulting to the viewer as it is to those mentioned. Meanwhile, Paris’ ad is actually witty, albeit a touch misinformed about energy policy.

Who would have thought that perennial tabloid darling Paris Hilton could actually deliver a speech more effectively and with greater poise than our president of eight years? It seemed, in fact, that her relevance was beginning to fade until the McCain ad was released. While I doubt that Ms. Hilton will win a single state in November, this may have the unfortunate side-effect of reinvigorating the public’s fascination with her. Thanks, John; I guess we’ll always have Paris. Still, we could do worse than President Hilton: I dare say that she would have looked as convincing as Bush did arriving in a flight suit on the USS Lincoln to announce “Mission Totally Accomplished! Luvz it!” She might even be able to pronounce Sarkozy properly.

But my praise of Ms. Hilton stops there. In the video, she suggests combining the two energy policies of McCain and Obama to help solve the energy crisis. Her suggestion is to allow offshore drilling to tap those rich deposits for cheap, easy fuel as we work on alternatives. Appropriately enough, the last time I used the words “rich,” “cheap” and “easy” in the same sentence, it was to describe Paris Hilton, but unfortunately her plan is as superficial as her cult, and it is flawed for the same reason that McCain’s “solution” is flawed.

Offshore drilling would be a placebo for the problem at best, as the restricted areas would provide only a drop in the proverbial barrel of our oil consumption. Furthermore, it will take several years to construct derricks and refine the crude, providing no immediate relief and precious little when the wells truly begin to produce. All of this assumes that the oil would be sold exclusively to Americans, and we should know by now that this is not a given.

The Paris for President campaign is off to a rocky, though amusing start. I’m afraid she won’t have time to really establish a solid platform by November. That said, I think her decision to start this late in the campaign is a refreshing one. This overextended campaign season has been costly and grueling for everyone involved, and though I can’t get behind Hilton on her energy policy, her frank approach is a balm in this hostile election year. She even may have a running mate selected before the Republicans or the Democrats. She mentions Rihanna, but a ‘Hilton Clinton’ ticket has such assonant appeal, and it’s better to be called assonant than asinine, which is how I would describe the campaigns of other nominees at this point.

Luvz it, indeed.