Thank you. Thank you.
As the Fed disappears behind the curtain yet again, ‘O we of little faith’ are bracing for yet another quarter percent drop in interest rates. Soon it will be official: You will likely see more appreciation on kitsch from the Franklin Mint than anything that comes out of the U.S. Mint. My friends all laughed when I plunked down 100 smackers for my Mystical Dreamcatcher Pocketwatch, but who’s laughing now?!
For those of you who didn’t have foresight enough to invest in chilling likenesses of dead royalty and zirconium encrusted daggers, allow me to predict what the Fed is planning to do. Just let me look into my Dragon of Lore Crystal Ball (a steal at 5 payments of only $39.99!)...
As we can see, it’s all business as usual at the Federal Reserve. But before I go off to polish my collection of Elvis Head Silver Dollars, I leave the Fed with three bits of advice:
- These are tough, confusing times, and I do in fact sympathize with anyone tasked with sorting this out, but your methods have proven to be the financial equivalent of bloodletting for the ailing economy. Try something new for once, PLEEEEEEEASE!
- We know the banks own you (literally), but at least pretend that you have the interest of the American people in mind. You know, we love a good circus act. And if you piss us off, then...
- Don’t stiff the pizza boy: He knows where you live.