Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Federal Reserve Meeting Today: BYOB, Pizza Will Be Served

The Fed is meeting again today and tomorrow. To mark this diminishingly historic occasion, I have composed the following ditty. Ahem...

There once was a man named Bernanke:
For the banks, an immaculate flunky.
When their assets all failed
with our money he bailed
them all out like a good little monkey

Thank you. Thank you.

As the Fed disappears behind the curtain yet again, ‘O we of little faith’ are bracing for yet another quarter percent drop in interest rates. Soon it will be official: You will likely see more appreciation on kitsch from the Franklin Mint than anything that comes out of the U.S. Mint. My friends all laughed when I plunked down 100 smackers for my Mystical Dreamcatcher Pocketwatch, but who’s laughing now?!

For those of you who didn’t have foresight enough to invest in chilling likenesses of dead royalty and zirconium encrusted daggers, allow me to predict what the Fed is planning to do. Just let me look into my Dragon of Lore Crystal Ball (a steal at 5 payments of only $39.99!)...
~~Ah yes...I scry a rather stoned-looking Bernanke telling the table that he knows exactly what needs to be done. Well! That’s good news!~~
~~Oh. He wasn’t talking about the economy. He was suggesting that they order pizza.
But still...based on his track record, that’s one of his more reasonable suggestions.~~
~~Now someone else at the table is telling him that no one there can afford to have a pizza delivered
because food and gas prices have soared again.~~
~~Bernanke insists that “Referendum Deepdish” be passed as they can just print more money
in the office next door. The motion is passed.~~
~~Someone raises a new motion: Will the Reserve lower interest rates again despite the fact that it has done nothing to mitigate the housing crisis or prevent a recession? They ask the chairman directly.~~
~~Bernanke teeters in his seat for a moment, opens his mouth...and then passes out on the floor.
The attendees concur with the chairman’s motion to drop the interest rate again. Motion is passed.~~
~~The pizza arrives. The delivery fellow receives a lousy tip.~~

As we can see, it’s all business as usual at the Federal Reserve. But before I go off to polish my collection of Elvis Head Silver Dollars, I leave the Fed with three bits of advice:

  1. These are tough, confusing times, and I do in fact sympathize with anyone tasked with sorting this out, but your methods have proven to be the financial equivalent of bloodletting for the ailing economy. Try something new for once, PLEEEEEEEASE!
  2. We know the banks own you (literally), but at least pretend that you have the interest of the American people in mind. You know, we love a good circus act. And if you piss us off, then...
  3. Don’t stiff the pizza boy: He knows where you live.

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